Expert Reveals: A Little-Known Secret To Achieving Stunning Success And Happiness In A Love Relationship
Question: What’s the essential ingredient in a
relationship that when it’s missing all the other wonderful attributes (physical
attraction, having common values, liking the same things, shared hobbies and
pastimes, emotional compatibility) will not be enough to make the relationship
work? Why do loving relationships turn sour?
If you don’t know, read on. You’ll find out what it
really takes to enjoy a truly successful and happy relationship with your
partner – or to build or re-build a loving relationship where before there was
only distance, and dissonance, and disenchantment!
A couple years ago a friend was having serious issues
in his love relationship – his girl was uncharacteristically distant, their sex
life had nose-dived, and all this was driving him crazy. I advised him to seek
professional help, in the hope that an expert relationship counsellor or coach
would “fix” his girlfriend.
But as it turned out, it was my friend that needed
“fixing”, not the girl.
As it turned out, his girlfriend was reacting as most
prisoners would in a similar situation – because, inadvertently, he had built
an emotional/psychological prison around his girlfriend where she felt stifled
and asphyxiated, but at the same time feeling burdened (and required) to “light
his fire”.
At the end of this report I’ll be showing you what his
girlfriend should have done to “extract” herself with flair and not failure from
her prison and turn the relationship around, fast. It calls for some powerful
but perfectly level-headed DIY strategies that have been handed down to us by
our forefathers and grandfathers down the centuries, but which we hardly ever
factor into our relationships these days.
In a military “extraction” you have army units working
together to help someone or a team escape the enemy. In a relationship self-extraction,
most of us cannot afford a counsellor or expert and we may have got to go it
alone.
But it’s a worthy challenge, with some risk yes, but
you have the opportunity to emerge out of it happier, brighter, and more
fulfilled – and possibly with a life-long partner and friend in tow!
Anyhow, here’s how my friend described his situation
before they went to see the relationship expert…
“I am living with my
parents and I'm thinking of moving out with my girlfriend Karen. But there are
some things that make me feel upset, and I don't really know what to do.”
“I love her but she
doesn't seem to be the person she was. At times she feels bad and upset. These
periods last for about 4-5 days. During these times she seems more distant and
our sex life just stops.”
“This makes me frustrated
because for the past year I have been working so hard to try and make her feel
better when she feels bad.”
“I thought that it was
working but now it seems nothing I do works. I miss the old times because she
kissed me randomly all day and it made me feel so loved and wanted. She would
hold me, and tell me great things. It was like a fantasy. “
“Now, I'm lucky if she
kisses me at least once in about 3 hours. I actually start all of the kissing.
I start all of the holding. It feels like I have to start everything. Mainly at
times it feels like she just wants me as a friend.”
“She doesn't make me feel
loved or wanted. My feelings about this come and go mainly around the times
when she feels bad.”
“But these feelings also
come around sometimes when she is not feeling bad. I just don't have a clue
what to do.”
What we learned from this…
We learned a lot from that experience, and this is
what I want to share with you, especially the secret or “ingredient” that the
expert proposed to turn the relationship around. It’s something we hardly ever
consciously think of when starting or nurturing or maturing a relationship.
Without this ingredient it’s amazing how quickly love can
vanish from a love relationship. When it’s present, it’s equally amazing how
fast love comes back in a relationship.
We also learned that a couple could be very compatible
in many other respects, but without this ingredient the relationship may never
work…
According to the expert, there are many factors that
go into creating a loving relationship. It helps a lot for example if two
people have some things in common regarding how they like to spend their time.
It also helps if they have common values around
religion or spirituality, around politics, the environment, abortion, and
personal growth. It helps if they both eat junk food or both eat organic food,
if they’re both into the caveman diet.
It makes things easier if both are neat or both are
messy, if both are on-time-people or both are late-people. Physical attraction
is also quite important. It’s great if they have common values around money and
spending.
But… A couple can have all of these and still not have
a loving relationship if one element is missing, because without this essential
ingredient all the other wonderful attributes will not be enough to make the
relationship work.
The secret ingredient…
And that essential ingredient, according to the
expert, is about intention.
It appears that at any given moment in a relationship,
each of us is devoted to only one of two different intentions: to control or to learn. When our intention is to control, our deepest motivation is
to have control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe.
When our intention is to learn, our deepest motivation
is to learn about being loving to ourselves and to others.
The
motivation to get love rather than be loving can create havoc within a
relationship.
Let’s look at a typical relationship issue and see
what happens regarding the two different intentions.
Pete and Pat are feeling
emotionally distant from each other, and they haven’t made love in a month.
The problem started when
Pat stated that she wanted to take an expensive vacation and Pete objected. Pat
got angry, Pete gave in, and they have been distant ever since.
Pat’s intention was to
have control over getting what she wanted. She equates an expensive vacation
with love… if Pete does this for her, then he proves his love for her.
She used her anger as a
way to have control over getting what she wants. She wants control over feeling
special to Pete.
Pete’s intention is to
avoid pain. He gave himself up to have control over Pat not being angry with
him. He hopes that by giving Pat what she wants, she will see him as a good and
loving husband.
However, because both
Pete and Pat were trying to control each other rather than be loving to
themselves and each other, their interaction created emotional distance.
What would this have looked like if their intention
had been to learn? Here’s how the expert analyzed the problem – and what she
recommends for a couple facing this same sort of problem in their relationship…
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